The Power of Awareness in Parenting: A Journey from Strictness to Connection

Parenting is a journey—one filled with joy, heartbreak, learning, and transformation. I know this because I’ve walked that path myself. As a therapist specializing in online family therapy in California, I work with parents every day who are navigating complex relationships with their children. Many of these families include neurodiverse, gifted, ADHD, or adopted children, and their parents often come to me feeling lost, overwhelmed, and desperate for a different way.

What they don’t often expect is that I’ve been there too.

Like so many of my clients, I started as a strict parent, believing that firm rules and clear consequences would shape my child into a responsible, well-adjusted adult. But over time, I realized that my approach wasn’t fostering connection—it was creating fear, distance, and resentment. I was hurting my child, and that realization was gut-wrenching.

That’s why Robyn Gobbel’s words resonate so deeply with me:

“Hurting children and adults have told me that it would have mattered to them if they had a parent who had known they were hurting them and were trying to stop. With this awareness, children know that they are seen and known by you. And not just in their goodness, but in their hurt, even in the hurt that you cause. And that really matters.”

These words highlight a truth that many parents are afraid to face: sometimes, even with the best intentions, we hurt our children. But what matters most is that we see it, acknowledge it, and work to change it.

The Turning Point: From Control to Connection

For years, I followed a traditional parenting model rooted in control and discipline. If my child misbehaved, I assumed they were being defiant. If they shut down, I thought they were being manipulative. And if they pushed back, I took it personally. I was parenting from a place of fear—fear that if I didn’t keep a tight grip, my child would spiral out of control.

But what I didn’t realize was that my child’s behaviors weren’t about me. They were about them—their needs, their struggles, their emotions. And instead of helping them feel safe and understood, my strict parenting was making them feel unseen, unheard, and even more dysregulated.

The shift happened slowly. I started questioning my own reactions, my assumptions, my knee-jerk responses. I began learning about interpersonal neuroscience and polyvagal theory—how a child’s nervous system is shaped by the safety or threat they perceive in their environment. I saw, for the first time, that my own regulation mattered just as much as theirs.

If I wanted my child to feel safe, I had to become their safe place.

The Healing Begins: A Relationship-Based Approach

Healing my parenting style wasn’t just about changing my actions; it was about shifting my entire mindset. Instead of seeing behavior as something to fix, I began to see it as something to understand. Instead of reacting with control, I responded with curiosity. Instead of enforcing compliance, I fostered connection.

This didn’t mean I abandoned boundaries or structure. Children need both. But I learned to offer boundaries in a way that preserved our relationship rather than eroded it. Instead of punishment, I used co-regulation. Instead of consequences meant to instill fear, I focused on repair and reconnection.

The more I leaned into this approach, the more I saw my child soften. Their meltdowns became less intense. Their defiance became less rigid. Not because they were learning to “behave,” but because they felt safe enough to trust me.

Why Awareness Changes Everything

When parents come to me for online family therapy in California, they often ask where to start. They’re looking for tools, scripts, strategies. And while those things are helpful, I always tell them the same thing:

Start with awareness.

The most powerful gift we can give our children is to acknowledge when we’ve hurt them and to let them know we’re trying to stop. This doesn’t mean drowning in guilt or shame—it means modeling what it looks like to take responsibility, to be vulnerable, and to grow.

Children don’t need perfect parents. But they do need present parents—parents who see them, even in their struggle. Parents who can say, “I see that you’re hurting, and I don’t want to add to that. I’m working on being better.”

This awareness is what breaks cycles of disconnection and paves the way for healing—not just for our children, but for ourselves.

A Compassionate Future for Families

Parenting is a long game. We won’t get it right every time. But every moment of repair, every effort to truly see and know our children, matters. And the beauty of this journey is that the healing goes both ways. As we learn to show up for our kids in a new way, we also begin to heal the wounds we carry from our own childhoods.

If you’re feeling stuck in your parenting journey—if you recognize patterns of disconnection and want to shift toward a more compassionate, relationship-based approach—I want you to know it’s possible. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Online family therapy in California offers parents the tools, support, and guidance needed to transform their parenting from a place of control to a place of connection.

Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They just need you to see them, know them, and try.

And that really matters.

Contact Abby

Call for a free, hour-long phone consultation to see if I am the right therapist for you or your family. 

(626) 755-4059

My motto: I help parents become the healers in the home.