How to Respond Instead of React: Parenting Through Nervous System Awareness
Why Do I Keep Reacting Before I Can Think?
You know those moments—your child says something defiant, or the whining won’t stop, and suddenly you hear yourself snapping. Maybe your tone sharpens, your shoulders tighten, or your face hardens into that “parent face” you swore you’d stop making. And just like that, the moment of connection is gone.
What’s happening here isn’t a moral failing. It’s not a lack of willpower or love. It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it’s designed to do when it senses a threat—even when that threat is a spilled smoothie or a sassy teen.
As a therapist specializing in parenting support for complex and neurodiverse families, I want to normalize this: reactivity is a nervous system response.
Let’s unpack what’s really going on—and how you can shift from reactivity to response.
What’s the Difference Between Reacting and Responding?
Reacting: When the Body Takes Over
When you react, your body is moving faster than your conscious mind. This is where primitive reflexes kick in—fight, flight, freeze, or appease. It’s like your body goes on autopilot. You might yell, withdraw, over-explain, or try to control. And it happens fast.
These automatic reactions are somatic—they live in the body. They’re shaped by your past, your nervous system wiring, and your early relational experiences. Most of us learned these patterns long before we ever had kids of our own.
In therapy, we call this a neuroception of threat—your nervous system detects danger before your thinking brain has time to assess whether the danger is real.
Responding: When You Stay Present and Connected
When you respond, your system slows down just enough to access choice. You can stay grounded, even if your child is dysregulated. You can offer connection instead of control. You can soften your tone, relax your posture, and stay emotionally present.
Responding is an act of co-regulation. It creates a ripple effect in your home—your child feels safer, your own body feels less tense, and the emotional climate in your home starts to shift.
This doesn’t mean you never lose it. It means you know how to notice the early warning signs—and pivot back into connection.
The First Step is Noticing What’s Happening Inside
In my therapy practice, I help parents tune into the early signs of dysregulation in their own nervous systems. Often, this means slowing down just enough to notice:
That clenching in your jaw
The racing of your thoughts
That panicked urge to fix or flee
When you bring awareness to these signs, you’re no longer being hijacked by your nervous system. You’re building what I call an internal pause button. That pause is where choice lives. It’s where new patterns begin.
Why This Matters So Much for Parents of Complex Kids
If you're parenting a child with ADHD, Autism, giftedness, trauma history, or intense emotions, then you already know: staying regulated as a parent is the hardest part.
Your child may be impulsive, rigid, easily overwhelmed, or emotionally intense. These traits demand a level of nervous system regulation from you that most of us never learned growing up.
But here’s the good news: you can rewire how you respond. The more safety and connection you offer, the more your child’s nervous system can settle. This is how you become the healer in your home—not by being perfect, but by showing up with presence and intention.
What You Can Do Today
Three Ways to Practice Responding Instead of Reacting
1. Start with the body. Before you say a word, try unclenching your jaw or exhaling slowly. Your body will thank you—and so will your child.
2. Name what’s happening. “I can feel myself getting overwhelmed right now.” Naming it out loud interrupts the cycle of reactivity.
3. Repair the moment. When you do react, come back. “I got really frustrated. Let’s try that again.” Rupture and repair is what builds resilience—for you and your child.
Ready to Parent from a Regulated Place?
If you’re an overwhelmed parent trying to do it differently—especially if your child is complex, challenging, or misunderstood—I’m here to help.
At Welcome Home Family Therapy, I work with parents across California through online therapy that integrates interpersonal neurobiology, polyvagal theory, and trauma-informed strategies that work in real life.
You can learn to slow down, notice what’s happening inside, and choose how you want to show up for your child. That’s where the healing begins.
Book a Free, Phone Consultation
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Call Abby at (626) 755-4059 or visit: https://welcomehomefamilytherapy.com/book-a-free-discovery-call to schedule your free phone consultation.
My motto: I help parents become the healers in the family.